A Breath Of Fresh Air.

There are things I want right now. None of them are dire. None of them are necessities. Just simplicities that my heart is telling me.

I want long hair. I want to be able to feel it swish across my back when I wake up, and get dressed. I want to hear it brush against my jacket as the air becomes brisk. I want to feel it whip me in the face as the wind whistles in the winter air. I want to fondle it between my fingers, when I’m to bashful to look you in the eye. I want long hair.

I want Hot CoCoa. I want Swiss Miss hot cocoa, with the little marshmellows in the packet. I want to sit on my back patio with my hot cocoa, wearing a sweatshirt and mittens and my warm winter hat, and drink my hot cocoa. I want to play loud music, and sit and drink my hot cocoa. I want Hot CoCoa.

I want someone to hold my hand and kiss me, because they can. I want someone there, to look in the eye, and tell them how I feel about them. I want someone there to meet after school, and walk down the hallway with. I want someone to text. I want someone to talk to, to flirt with, to feel towards. I want someone to hold my hand and kiss me, because they can. 

I want to get away from this place. I want to be alone; alone long enough to meet a whole group of new people. I want to be alone, to become friend shipped. I want a new beginning. And, not to start over because of something that happened or something at all. I just want to adventure into something new, something uncharted. I want to get away from this place. 

So, Santa if you’re reading my heart’s true Christmas List, just take a step back and put yourself in my shoes. These are the things that I “want” right now. I don’t want cloths. I don’t want gadgets. I don’t want possessions. I just want to be, well I just want to be. 

You never loved me, did you? I’m sorry I was such a burden, that you felt as if you couldn’t be honest with other people, let alone me. Frankly, that’s not my problem. That is yours. If you can’t be honest with a friend, let alone the person you love, I’m not sure what to tell you. I’m sorry you took all this the wrong way.

I’m sorry I took up so much of your time, that you felt as if you couldn’t do anything without being bothered by me. I guess that’s what I was to you, wasn’t it? A heavy loaded thought pressing on your mind that you convinced yourself that you loved. 

Well I’m gone now. You’re rid of me. Go on, do whatever you see fit. I’ll always love you, don’t even try to tell yourself other wise. I gave you my heart, and you accepted it without question. I’m sorry for you, and I’m sorry that you feel nothing. Damn it, you really feel nothing. I feel the weight of the world breaking above my head, and you feel nothing. 

That says it all to me. 

“Every line is about who I don’t wanna write about anymore. Hope you come down with something they can’t diagnose, don’t have the cure for, holding onto your grudge.”

“We only said goodbye with words. I died a hundred times. You go back to her, and I go back to black.”-Amy Winehouse

Why can’t you just answer your damn phone.
Why can’t you just shut up and let me talk.
Why can’t you stay wonderful.
Why can’t I be bold.

Why did this have to happen.
Why did we take this turn.
Why did mother love embrace this hurt.
Why did this happen to me again.

Well, again no more I will stand for this.
Again no more I will cry. 
Again no more will you lie to me.
Again no more will I say good bye.

This is it.
This is the last straw.
This is my final breaking point.
This is the last breath in my body.

You are;
You can be;
You could be;
You were;
You used to;
You can’t;

I can’t.
I can’t live like this.
I can’t believe these lies.
I can’t fool myself.

Here it dies. 
I won’t change you.
You can’t change me.
Time is a measure for each of us, differently.

Time will tell, for I surly cannot.
But for now, this is all of what I got.
And it’s not much, no it is very little.
But for you, my love, it will be brittle.

I will heal.
I will move on.
I have done nothing wrong.
You will live, and die with this on your heart.
While I sing my own new song.
I love you and will never stop.

But I cannot be with you like this.
I’m sorry, but no.

So for now, I say goodbye to love, and hold stedfast to what memories were made.
But I cannot be with you like this.

g o o d b y e
is all said,
and done. 

I will never feel good enough for you.
While I love you, more than life, more than the moon, I will never feel good enough for you.
You knew this when I said yes.
You’ve known this for nine and a half months. 
Why should comfort be treated any differently than limits?
Arn’t limits a level of comfort?
Or was I mistaken.

You say you still love me,
And while I believe you do,
I cannot help but feel that you’re angry.
You knew this;  You know this.
But I feel as if you thought you could change this.
I am so, so, sorry dear, but you cannot change this.

Maybe someday it will be yours,
But that is something that only God knows.
I love you, to the moon and back with a handful of stars.
But if I bend this far, I shall surly break.

I hurt because you’re angry.
You’re angry because I will not change.
Love can conquer all,
So shall we test it to the brink? 
I have faith.
I have confidence.
I will not change, but
I am yours. 

I want to hold your hand and watch all the cars
I want to kiss your lips under burning stars
I want to take the bus with you and get off at wherever
Even if it’s never
I want to get lost in this city and stay forever